With beer leagues and pick up games set to start all over the country this month we decided to poke a little fun at some of the characters you come across on the ice…These are their stories.
The Kit- Often very boisterous and obnoxious, The Kit is the guy that is more worried about his gear and what he looks like rather than playing a hockey game. We call this guy The Kit because he has the whole equipment kit. Every single piece of gear is the same color and made by the same brand—he literally looks like a walking billboard. Along with his shiny new kit he gets every year he makes sure that everyone sees his new gear and how sick he thinks he looks. This guy is normally a bender that is trying to make up for his complete lack of talent. No stick, skate or performance enhancing drug could help this guy figure out how to dangle.
The Lily Pad- This guy might be the most hated man in all of beer league hockey, the worst part is he’s hated by the guys on his own team. This is the guy that serves no purpose whatsoever. Just like a lily pad he floats around and does absolutely nothing. He cruises the red line with his stick in the air yelling and screaming for a pass even though the other team has the puck. This also allows him to take casual 5 minute shifts like it’s his job while the entire team is losing their lungs yelling at him to get off the ice.
The Pond Rocket- This guy just doesn’t get it. He is out there for himself. He takes advantage of the fact it’s non-contact hockey and just treats it like another day on the ODR. He buries his head in his feet and just tries to dangle every guy on the other team—twice. He’s the guy that comes down on a breakaway and wings around the back of the net so he can try and do The Crosby, or tries to put it between his legs and completely misses the whole net. This guy never passes and is lucky to get invited back to any team he plays for.
The Unit- The only way to describe this guy is to just simply call him a Unit. The guy that loves the stick work and cheap shots but when it comes to the receiving end he loses his shit and has a temper tantrum. As soon as you touch him or give him a little taste of the lumber he turns a switch and goes off. Whenever someone puts a stick on him or gives him a little shot it’s the biggest injustice since CBC got rid of the HNIC anthem and he’ll let you know it.
The Yard Sale- The yard sale is pretty much the epitome of beer league hockey. He is in fact a Gongshow. He shows up with 4 laps left for the Zamboni. He cracks open his bag to find that he forgot his jock, shin pad and one of his gloves and needs the trainers help. His laces have more knots in them than a sailboat and he has never owned a roll of clear tape in his life.
To be continued…